The depths of my sadness has surpassed all that I have ever known.
Truth be told, this day was always meant to come
Foreshadowed by longing and despair, with an added dose of humiliation
Awake you who have slumbered, weighing me down through this fight
These realities that you have trapped me in, I now finally cast off
Without regret I spread my wings, so sore and bruised, to the heavens
Crying out for anyone to hear this battle cry
I launch into the sky, wind like ice waking me from this slumber
No longer will this sadness hold me back
I fight against the powers that hold those I love back
I fight against the powers that held me down
I am a warrior of light, no longer cloaked in shame
I am a warrior of light, knowing that I am feared in the skies
Warriors of light fly to the heavens with your battle cry so loud that the earth shakes
Shake the earth to it's core so that all that is heard,
All that is heard,
Be our voices in unison proclaiming freedom.

We live and we learn, we hope and we pray, we dream and we create.  Over the past four months of being home I can see each one of these statements in my life.  Now they all haven't happened in the four months of me being home but they have been shown to me now that I am back home.  Since being home I've heard several different things from people "you've changed'' , ''you'll always be the same" and I'm not really sure how to take either of those comments.  Truth be told, I have changed, but I've also stayed the same.  Most of the changes that I've gone through can't be seen by the naked eye, unless you knew me so well before I left that you can sense the changes... and not many people are that close to me. So when they say I've changed or haven't changed, most of the time they are just looking at the outside changes, so yeah I came home with a mohawk and another set of holes in my ears... but can you see me for who I really am?

I've been broken, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have lived in the world and I have been of the world, and because of that fact I have now learned what Paul really meant when he said that we must be in the world but not of it.  Living in the world only brought me destruction and pain covered in a layer of fear and anger, layer after layer built up till the only thing that could be seen was a massive pile of hurt. I have now slowly learned (and am still learning) that I have an undeniable need to rely upon God. I fail at this all the time, but I keep learning from my failures, when I fail and turn everything over to God, He prevails on my behalf.

I have been healed, mentally and spiritually, and I am still hoping and praying to be healed physically.  Hope and prayer have slowly become my lifelines, through everything that I've been through there were several times that the only thing I had to hold onto were the prayers that I was giving to God and the small hope that He would hear my pleas.  My faith has grown, but there are still times that I feel backed into a corner and the only thing that keeps me sane are the promises that God has given me, and the hope that He has poured out upon me. My hope at times wanes and my prayers go quiet but God has remained and will always remain.

I have had an amazing imagination since I was a little girl, and I have found that the closer I get to God the more my dreams become reality and the more God creates for me.  My first morning in Ireland, I woke up before sunrise and I went out, and for the first time in a really long time I felt at peace. I had dreamed of finally feeling a peace that couldn't be destroyed by the sounds around me and I had finally found it. To be honest it felt like that moment and that place had been created for me, for the first time I felt like God was sitting next to me, just wanting my dream of peace to be fulfilled. I sat there watching the sunrise, watching the beauty that God had created for me to witness.. all my hopes, dreams and prayers had been answered, God was there, God knew me, and God loved me.

So have I changed? Have I remained the same?

I think the answer to these questions is the same, Yes. I have changed, but not so changed that I haven't remained the same quirky and crazy girl that I have always been.  God has taken me and refined me, smoothed out the rough areas and polished the dull areas. I am a new creation in God and I am what God has made me to be, changed, unchanged it doesn't matter God loves me and uses me as I am.


"I exult for joy in Yahweh, my soul rejoices in my God, for he has clothed me in garments of salvation, he has wrapped me in a cloak of saving justice, like a bridegroom wearing his garland, like a bride adorned in her jewels.  For as the earth sends up its shoots and a garden makes seeds sprout, so Lord Yahweh makes saving justice and praise spring up in the sight of all nations" Isaiah 61v10,11

"Only faith can guarantee the blessings that we hope for, or prove the existence of realities that are unseen." Hebrews 11v1

"And in whatever you say or do, let it be in the name of the Lord Jesus, in thanksgiving to God the Father through him." Colossians 3v17